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Friday, September 30, 2005

Well, okay, I went to see Serenity with Mr. McLeod at Regal Cinemas. You know; the one behind the Mall. Went in to get our tickets at the concession stand, where the Simpsons Teenaged Kid received our shekels, and his female counterpart, the one with the CANDY NECKLACE around her neck (O, please, dear Father, let it be plastic...) and a grin like Nicholson's Joker hit us up to join the Regal Crown Club. "You get double points on Fridays, and we don't make you sit in the sticky section." We demurred.

Got to the correct shoebox, shoehorned ourselves into our comfy stadium seating- why does your elbow fit so well into the cupholder?- and watched the Exceedingly Entertaining Slideshow. I mean, shoot, our country CHURCH has Powerpoint! Then the Trailers began...wait...it's the COMMERCIALS-The same ones we see at home, except that you can enjoy every blemish on the actors' phizzes. And why are they over there, partway on the curtains?


The Trailers began. Over there. When I pay to see commercials and trailers, I want them over HERE, centred on the screen. Large fanboys are getting up to look for the manager. The anamorphic lens that s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s the image into widescreen format is not in place. The actresses look more anorexic than usual. This happens all the time, though...these guys are professionals...it'll be fine.
AH! The Universal logo appears, with the attendant swelling "Hercules" type music.
It's not widescreen.
The Earth is tall and thin.
So THIS is what they mean about the Earth being all used up...

They get the movie centred. That's something.
The Serenity looks odd. Squashy somehow. Kaylee had a chibi moment, but got it wrong.
I get up to look for the manager. I find the engineer, and ask if they plan to use the anamorphic lens. He burbles that neither setting is working right, and that the anamorphic seems to be broken...the image doesn't fit the mask, or summat...The upshot being that they opted to show the movie in "squash 'n' stretch" mode, whilst whistling, scuffing their toes in the sand and hoping that no-one noticed.

Mr. McLeod and I opted to walk. The teenager refunded our money, commenting "I'm surprised you lasted that long.".

I can hardly wait to see Serenity.


David The Good said...

That's really stupid. Someone was obviously snorting the popcorn seasoning chemicals.

The Aardvark said...

Mmmmmmmm...diacetyl goodness!