I know I am a Protestant and am thus not your most favored candidate
for anything, but I can learn quickly and I'm sharp as a tack with
Scripture. When I was a kid I had stickers all over the cover of my
bible for memorizing verses in Sunday School.
It is the 21st
century, and I mean no disrespect, but I don't see why Popes are always
these old guys with one foot in the grave. You need some young blood
wearing that hat.
The main reason why you should make me Pope
is that it'd be funny and God demonstrably has a sense of humor. Now I
can't promise Groucho Marx levels of comedy, because nobody is that
funny. But I can guarantee it'd be like that one time in Reno. You
know you want to. It'd be rad.
The first thing I'd do as
Pope is sell the popemobile on Craigslist. It's funny looking and the
Pope should have a rocket pack, because guys with rocket packs are
popular and the Pope should be a popular guy. Am I wrong? John Paul II
was popular even without a rocket pack, and he was a good Pope. Now
imagine John Paul II with a rocket pack. The entire world would have
converted overnight. There would be peace in the Middle East. I'd be
like him eventually once the excitement of being Pope wears off. Then
I'd write an encyclical about writing encyclicals because I'm very meta
and hip, and I would canonize the late Walter M. Miller Jr. for writing
"A Canticle for Leibowitz." I would also root out all the corruption in
your auspicious institution and would see to it that the perpetrators
are cannon-ized. (I'm sorry, but that pun was irresistible. See what
you're missing out on without selecting me as Pope?)
you will find my curriculum vitae and a recent head-shot for publicity
purposes. I don't have an agent, so you can contact me directly and we
will work out all the details from there. I'm only looking for a modest
salary. And a rocket pack.
Sincerely yours, Ian M. Hardy
That's my boy!
Were I a Cardinal, I would vote for him, but I'm a Braves fan....