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Friday, June 30, 2006

Johnny D Symon said...

Lest anyone missed his comment on yesterday's entry, here it is:

I couldn't help but notice the ad you placed to help people like myself learn English. It was a nice try, but you full well know that I gave up tryin' years ago. My lingo is also a mighty difficult thing to pick up and learn so I'm the only guy who understands myself.

Now if you'd offered me to learn angling instead, you'd still be wasting your time. I've been gone fishin' for years and still I'm hopin' for the big one. For me a course on cooking would do the job. I'm a keen viewer of TV cooking shows and I watch 'em all over the world. The ones in Morocco have one main ingredient between them all, and that thing is butter! You know, in England they have apple festivals, in Georgia it's watermelon, and Holland it's tulips. They actually have a tulip festival ... interested? No, neither am I. I'd rather eat glass.

But in Morocco in the spring, it's the national festival of butter! They love that stuff so much they preserve some of it in stoneware jars full of salt, and covered with water ... I've eaten vintage butter that's over 6 years old, and you know what? It most likely tastes exactly like John Kerry's boxer shorts. I once found a pair of his underwear in a place called the Land of Nam. In actual fact I found quite a few pairs of Calvin Kerry's lying around in that country, but this pair was different; They smelt like vintage butter, but were full of little holes, with about 2 ounce worth of Uncle Bens stuck in there. Now what do you think caused that?

But still on the thoughts of cookery; I heard a Spanish chef, called Karlos Arguinano, tell the following story a few months back. He said, “A while back I set about doin' some cooking and the recipe required a few fresh apples. Out in the garden I happen to have a big apple tree and I knew there were some good ones ready for pickin'. But as I arrived, one big ripe red apple came loose and fell with a thud to the ground, then the strangest thing happened. I heard all the other apples, still hanging up on the tree, burst into loud laughter. And if that wasn't strange enough, the fall guy on the ground shouted up, 'What are you all laughing at. You're all immature!'”

He told me this as well; In his house he keeps a pet parrot, and one day when he opened his window the old bird figured it time to escape, so out it flew and settled in that self-same apple tree ... right at the top. Now it just happened to be walkabout time for the mentally infirm people who stayed in the asylum across from his house. So he called three of them over and offered them ten euros apiece if they could fetch old Anton the parrot down off the tree. So they headed out to his garden, and he set to work in the kitchen. The time was about 10 a m ...

By 4:30 he suddenly remembered about the round-haircuts, and wondered what was happening. So he headed on out, and there they still were, sitting down under that big old tree, staring at the parrot above. He asked them what was taking them so long to go get the bird, and here's what they said, “We can't bring it down just yet, 'cos it's still green!”

Now I bet you're thinking to yourself, “Man, that was a poor idea of mine, to write Johnny D and ask him to communicate something.” And I fully admit my writing ability is not quite the quality and standard of Al Gores “Earth In The Balance” fairy tale, but the fact is, I like people to laugh at my writing, whereas Al is plainly unaware that he's a high falutin' humorless crud-boy, and besides he and John Kerry, I'm told, share each others underwear.

In fact I've been told even further, that they go as far as wearing the same pair at the same time. Now who told me this? You may be asking yourself. Why, it was a big old parrot in a tree, called Anton. And how would he know this? You may further be asking yourself? And the answer is ... He don't. He's too green and immature to know anything of any worth! But I figure that when two monumental figures get together, like Kerrygore, even the wildest things may be possible ... perhaps they'll occur soon ... 2008 perhaps?

Have fun, Johnny D

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