Mr. McLeod's Response to the Papal Resignation.

Dear Vatican,
I know I am a Protestant and am thus not your most favored candidate for anything, but I can learn quickly and I'm sharp as a tack with Scripture. When I was a kid I had stickers all over the cover of my bible for memorizing verses in Sunday School.

It is the 21st century, and I mean no disrespect, but I don't see why Popes are always these old guys with one foot in the grave. You need some young blood wearing that hat.

The main reason why you should make me Pope is that it'd be funny and God demonstrably has a sense of humor. Now I can't promise Groucho Marx levels of comedy, because nobody is that funny. But I can guarantee it'd be like that one time in Reno. You know you want to. It'd be rad.

The first thing I'd do as Pope is sell the popemobile on Craigslist. It's funny looking and the Pope should have a rocket pack, because guys with rocket packs are popular and the Pope should be a popular guy. Am I wrong? John Paul II was popular even without a rocket pack, and he was a good Pope. Now imagine John Paul II with a rocket pack. The entire world would have converted overnight. There would be peace in the Middle East. I'd be like him eventually once the excitement of being Pope wears off. Then I'd write an encyclical about writing encyclicals because I'm very meta and hip, and I would canonize the late Walter M. Miller Jr. for writing "A Canticle for Leibowitz." I would also root out all the corruption in your auspicious institution and would see to it that the perpetrators are cannon-ized. (I'm sorry, but that pun was irresistible. See what you're missing out on without selecting me as Pope?)

Attached you will find my curriculum vitae and a recent head-shot for publicity purposes. I don't have an agent, so you can contact me directly and we will work out all the details from there. I'm only looking for a modest salary. And a rocket pack.

Sincerely yours,
Ian M. Hardy

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That's my boy!

Were I a Cardinal, I would vote for him, but I'm a Braves fan....